Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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