I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
