I feel like I'm in dance class right now
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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