I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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