I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
i think i just lost a toe
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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