On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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