I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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