you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
oh god was she eating orange peels again
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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