No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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