he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
false alarm, still single
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