Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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