i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
