When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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