"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
