Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
