That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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