The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Randomize
