I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
