im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
