I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
