Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
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