why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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