wat bout pragnant strippers??
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
