You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm way too hungover for life right now
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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