Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
