Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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