Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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