Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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