Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I forget how to act sober
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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