I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
