she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
