go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
we're making bets on your personal life
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
