I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Randomize
