I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
