11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
the liver wants what the liver wants
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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