did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
