someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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