I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
