Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
