Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
there is puke in my bra ... again
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
