She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
