when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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