I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Randomize
