hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
