My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
