Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I faked an abortion last night.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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