Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
