It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
