He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
