I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
