so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
